The Difference

Between what I want and what I need.
Between expectations and reality.
What's up with all this dualistic thinking?

The grass the grass the grass is so green.

Reflection
I am realizing the value in honesty. Not that I did not always know there was value in it. But when I'm really really honest with another human being and just lay it all out on the table. Vulnerability and all, I am quite clearly able to accept how things are after, there is nothing to regret. Lesson learned [check].

Observation
I genuinely feel pretty content right now. That's a good feeling.

Sitcome to come!!

deathcab morning

"i miss you"
"i'm sitting next to you"
"true. ....i miss you"

ha

i like this.

there are very few things in this world that are cetain.
i am certain that my car needs washed
i am certain that i need the sun and the rain and the trees
i know love comes first from within and loving myself (even if it sounds cheesy) is the best thing i can do for myself.

saw this on a church announcements sign "Mostly what God does is love us."


where do you think forgiveness comes from?
is bravery a mix of vulnerability courage and humility?

"love of mine some day you will die...but i'll be close behind...i'll follow you into the dark"

Thursday 6 May 2010 9:23

wanting to leave you there
sleeping or squirming
to run
to breathe
feel the cold surrounding my skin
and the blood slipping through veins
to return
to pick you up
where I'd left off
not to finish
not to start
only
to not declare the impossibility of something
parked between trees
sleeping beneath rocks
hands, knees, a mess of
I do not know
clarity
and the sands
are clearly running out against me
this is how I affirm again
explore interdepend experience
becoming

Life right now: Laid by James

this bed is on fire with passionate love
the neighbors complain about the noises above
but she only comes when she's on top

my therapist said not to see you no more
she said your like a disease without any cure
she said i'm so obsessed that i'm becoming a bore
oh no you think you're so pretty

caught your hand inside the till
slammed your fingers in the door
forked with kitchen knives and skewers

dressed me up in women's clothes
messed around with gender roles
dyed my eyes and called me pretty

moved out of the house
so you moved next door
i locked you out
you cut a hole in the wall

i found you sleeping next to me
i thought i was alone
you're driving me crazy
when are you coming home

<3

handling a new battle/dream/hope/challenge

March 4th 2010


I am feeling a little overwhelmed. And really drained. Teary eyed. I want you. I want your arms. I miss their safety. I cannot call. The epitome of hypocrisy.
It is a can of worms that is beginning –that I have talked about/begun to begin an opening. I want you. I want your safety. I want to crawl inside the dark cave of you in my memory, curl into the fetal position and only feel you surrounding me. I want to be ensconced in water, immersed in the scent of your body, drenched in holier than thou fluidity.

Where are you? Not even I have begun knowing. I resentfully finger for the handle of the shovel and beg myself to not begin digging. Done. You are done and … I told myself buried. Why are you still safety? The sky is falling and I want safety.

Can I be my own safety?


This time. Without / no life line. I am afraid. These possibilities are scary. You have said. We have said. So many things. Did you mean it? When you told unconditionally?

Renewal

It was a crazy busy February (as one can see I had no posts) but this is much needed, as it comes on a Tuesday, the theme for this week it RENEWAL.

There are 2 weeks left in the quarter I have 3 major projects due by the end of it and life has been busy busy lately. So I'm feeling a bit of kilter. I'm experiencing a lack of motivation-regards to coursework, general mood, eating habits, and workout routines. So come on life/God/universe/myself I'm in need of a sense of renewal.

Definition:
*reclamation: the conversion of wasteland into land suitable for use of habitation or cultivation
*refilling: filling again by supplying what has been used up
*regenerate: reestablish on a new, usually improved, basis or make new or like new
*tending to impart new life and vigor to

Renew:
*to make new or as if new again; make young, fresh, or strong again; bring back into good condition
*to give new spiritual strength to
*to cause to exist again; reestablish; revive
*to begin again; take up again; resume

I think of water, I think of the fluidity of water. Running over stones, smoothing to pebbles. I think of fresh smooth nude skin. I think of slow inhales, hold, exhale; I think of Yoga - child's pose, corpse pose, silent dark room, quiet, attempting to exist in the blank, in the clouds, to be to think nothing. I think of wet dirt under quick feet, trails between large pines weaving through paths that invite. I think of water falling from showerhead overwhelming dampening hair slick down back. I need all these things. I need to clear my head.

This week Balance

Week Before Last: confidence

Last Week: moderation

*insanely busy quarter. though I have to say for the most part-maintaining balance :)


reflections as of lately and after a dialogue:

That the devastation and destruction from the earthquakes in Haiti have caused much attention to the poor country, however where were our attentions before the earthquakes? The country needed help prior to this, and the U.S. could make decisions to forgive debts providing Haiti the ability to be more self-sustaining. I'm glad people are donating money and efforts, but it makes me wonder about the bigger picture and are we (as in the U.S.) not just attempting to put a bandage on an injury so that we may continue to suck dry this country?

for the quarter

Drive.
Motivation.
Commitment.

Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men
who find it easier to live in the world they've been
given than to explore the power they have to change it.
Impossible is not a fact. It's an opinion. Impossible is
not a declaration. It's a dare. Impossible is potential.
Impossible is temporary. Impossible is nothing.

Excel.
Surpass.
Exceed.

a grand gesture

motivation: the activation or energization of goal-oriented behavior
intrinsic/extrinsic

perseverance: Steady persistence in adhering to a course of action, a belief, or a purpose; steadfastness

self-trust/self-assurance

change

Week of 1/3: Change

Change: to make radically different; to become different;
alter, transform, switch, vary;
to pass from one phase to another;
to undergo transformation, transition, or substitution

implies making either an essential difference often amounting to a loss of original identity or a substitution of one thing for another

from Latin cambiare to exchange


*compliments of Merriam-Webster dictionary